Sunday, Feb. 13, 2005 - 10:57 p.m.

I'm having a pity party, and you're not invited...

I've spent the past two days in a real big funk. I hate when I get like this. This isn't me... I'm the talkative one, I'm the one that always has something funny to say. If I'm not talking, then you should know something's wrong. Not that I'm an annoying extrovert that won't let anyone get a word in, but it weirds me out, when people are too quiet. Which is extremely ironic, because in the same manner, I HATE when people are loud and obnoxious. I'm not loud, I just talk a lot. And even when I went out last night, I was quiet, too quiet for my taste. How do you tell someone you're annoyed and want to go home, when they themselves are having a fun time? I didn't enjoy myself in that tiny, tiny, dark bar. And people were EVERYWHERE!!! They were like fucking ants! The second I walked in the doors, I felt the wave of... I don't know what, but it washed over me. I wanted to just turn around and walk right back out. This coming from the girl, that just last week was acting the drunken fool. I'm PMSing and I feel extremely shitty, and I wasn't up for the mundane bar routine. I'm not up for it tonight either, so I'm sitting here, alone, having my own little pity party. Soda anyone??
I think the reason why I was getting even more annoyed was because I was acting like a 5 year old. I was pissed at myself. Who do I think I am, some fucking prima donna, that has to have a booth to sit in, and HAS to have the same bartender make her drinks (even if Desi is a better bartender and the second drink I had was absolute shit tasting), have the same crowd of people I'm accustomed to hanging out with? Joe didn't even play any pool, he just hovered around me, like he was afraid I was gonna snap and take out half the bar with me. I should never drink when I'm already in a bad mood and have a raging migraine. And going to that bar never helps a headache. Its a tiny little bat cave, with one garish blinding light over the pool table. And that light serves as a "headache" beacon, every time I'm there. I'm like a fucking moth, I can't help but stare at it.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely, love that bar!! I go there all the time. This just happens to be the very first Saturday I've gone there, and it will probably be the last. If I want to get bumped into and jostled and liquor spilled on me, I'll go to a club, not a bar. I usually go to KP's bar on Saturdays, after work, and sit and have a chill time with the regular, small crowd that comes in to see her. And its so fun, and relaxing, and such a great relief after working for 10 hours, and its what gets me through my day on a Saturday shift... going to see KP and hanging out with the regulars. I guess you have to understand one thing... I work in a mall. A very busy, loud, people filled mall. I have 20 plus employees, that generally all work on a Saturday, and I am bombarded with people all fucking day long!! And yesterday was the busiest we have ever been, in the year and a half we've been open. (The Owner even called this morning to say Congratulations on the record sales for the day) SO, the last thing I wanted, (yes, I'll admit, I'm being a fucking baby) was any change in my normal Saturday night routine. Its selfish. It is so incredibly selfish, but I still pouted knowing I was being selfish. I started pouting the second I got back in the car, after going to KP's bar, finding she'd gotten the night off, and we were on our way to the little bat cave bar. Ever see a 30 year old pouting, its pathetic, you don't want to. And KP, being the consummate friend, tried everything to make me more comfortable and relaxed, but my retarded ass wasn't having it.
So, I must apologize to Joe and KP, for pouting, and being a general pain in the ass, just because I wasn't getting my way. But, please, that was a whole hell of a lot of people in that tiny ass bar. I wasn't up for it, and I should have been adult enough to say so.
I love you both for putting up with me when I get in moods like this, I'm sorry...