Friday, Sept. 27, 2002 - 10:57 p.m.

Worked sucked... Are you surprised?

Its still raining. I love when it rains. Things always seem a little bit cleaner when its raining, even in a dirty city like Providence.

I found out today that the only other non-pregnant female at my job is now pregnant. She's 18 and already has a 10 month old son. The other girl that's pregnant is 28, but has 6 kids. Both have boyfriends under 19. All I asked is "Why didn't you use a condom??" What in God's name were they thinking. The 28 year old doesn't even have custody of any of her children, and the 18 year old's mother is trying to get full custody of her son. These are the type of people that should NOT breed. Maybe I'm too judgmental, but I always knew I would never have children unless I could financially and intellectually take care of them. Its mind boggling to me. I just don't understand, how girls like this don't learn from their "oops" the first time. I know you're thinking if you haven't been in that situation, you can't even begin to understand, but I have... I've been pregnant, I've given birth, I've even nursed a daughter I knew I'd never raise. It was a difficult decision, but it was my only option at the time. I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone a child. With no support from my family (that had decided I was a lost cause and too "sinful" to deal with) I did it all alone. My mother would have nothing to do with me, and my older sister told me she'd take my daughter and raise her, but would NEVER tell her the truth. I would be the aunt, always. I couldn't live with that. At least with the decision I made, my daughter may never call me "mommy," but she will know I was her birth mother. I found out years later why my mother couldn't even look at a picture of her granddaughter. She had given a child up for adoption in 1968 and had never dealt with her guilt associated with it. So, when I was going through the same thing, she couldn't bare to be around me. It brought up everything she hadn't dealt with in 30 years. The difference with me was, I had no guilt with my decision. My guilt lay in my mistake of getting pregnant in the first place and guilt in disappointing my family. Now almost 6 years later, I am even more sure I made the right decision. Not only is she in a happier life, her adoptive parents are happier people to have her in their lives. Everyone benefited, including me. I learned a very valuable life lesson and they had the daughter they could never have themselves.

Did I just learn from my mistakes and not repeat them? Or do these girls just enjoy being pregnant regardless of the fact that they are responsible for another human life after all is said and done? I still don't understand, I don't think I ever will...