Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2002 - 1:42 p.m.

I just got done talking to my little sister. She is 7 years younger than me and has done more with her life, then I would ever hope to do. Trips to Europe, graduated from college at 20, teaching music to classes of students by the age of 21, and yet, I don't know if she is happy. She's pushed herself so much, all our lives, and I am so proud of her, but she resents this. She yelled at me once, blaming me for her "perfection," that we all expect this from her, so the bar keeps being pushed higher. She said, "I run 8 miles a day, but people expect more, so I run 10, I sleep 4 hours a night, but people expect more, so I only sleep 2, I push and push but its never good enough. You say, Here's my perfect sister, she's so perfect, everything she does is perfect" I looked at her and told her if she didn't want to teach, quit, if she didn't want to go to Greece for her advance music classes, don't go... To which she replied "You're missing my point" I told her, "No, I heard the spitefulness in your voice quite clearly... your point was not lost" The she started screaming at me as to why I was so bitter. I was shocked. She was so overwhelmed with the choices she had made for herself, she was taking it out on me. I had no decision in her life, I wasn't even there for most of her growing up. She lived in Colorado with my mother and I lived in California with my father. I had no direct influence on her. When I moved to Colorado when I was 18, she was still young, but I still had very little influence, I just supported her decisions, bought her things, hung out with her, took her places, tried to reestablish a relationship with a sister I didn't really know. But I never forced her to do anything she hadn't already set her mind to doing. She was always so driven. She started school when she was 2, and was always in advanced classes. Graduated from High School in two years and started college at age 15. She did this. All herself, I had no voice in any of these plans. But as a result of her "forced adulthood" she never had the chance to be a child. I think in some ways we are jealous of each other. I'm jealous of her accolades and immense sense of direction, and she's jealous of my carefree attitude, that I can separate myself from life and appreciate a dragonfly in a parking garage. I've always been a little whimsical, where she has been overly logical. We are as different as night and day. But she is my sister, and I am so proud of her, and I love her with all my soul. I just wish she could learn to be happy with herself, and take the compliments and praise as what they are, the pride of an older sister that will never accomplish half of these things. I am a simple person, never needed much, and never strove too hard for anything. Don't think I am lazy by any means, I've just been through too much in life to stretch myself that thin anymore. I take everyday as it comes, and I never try to guess what the future holds for me.
To end, this is a note she left for me after an all too short visit:

To my Sister:

A lot of circumstances have brought us together and apart over the years, but somehow I always find comfort in your presence. You make me feel good about myself because I can tell you believe in me. You have a way about you that makes me believe in myself. You are very humble, and you have been for as long as I can remember. The only one willing to lose a game in an over-competitive family, just because you knew winning was more important to us. You are so selfless, and I am proud to call you my sister. You have so much inside you, it will take you so far in life. I can't ever give you the same inspiration you have given me, but I want you to know I love you and believe in you. I always will. Thank you, for being you.

Your Little Sister