Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2002 - 1:08 a.m.

Haven't written in a while... been at work too much to do anything that resembles a life. My DH told me she's planning on leaving, quitting. Leaving me to my own resources. I don't know what to think about that. She's proposing to the owner that I take her place. ME?!? I hate this job! Who said I wanted more responsibility? It would mean more money. Lots more, but I am miserable here. I thought I had a hold on my anger, but this job pulls it right out of me. It doesn't even need to pull, it slides through quite easily. I haven't been this frustrated and angry in a long time. Not for the past two years, if I think about it. I don't like this person I am now. The one who has no time for friends or family. The one that can't commit to plans because work might interfere. The one that IMs her mom crying because she can't take it anymore. I forget to eat, I forget to sleep, I forget to love my friends and I've especially forgotten how to be civil. The small talk annoys me. I used to thrive on it. Make a connection with a random soul, roaming this place with no intention of ever knowing them again. Now I am annoyed, couldn't be bothered.

"Don't talk to me... I'm too busy for you... Who cares?!"

It makes me sad, to feel this way, to be annoyed by simple "Hellos" I need those to feel normal. I need those on a daily basis to know I still feel.

I saw a dragon fly in the parking garage. I wanted it. I was fascinated by it. It was drawn to the electric light bulb on the ceiling, like I was drawn to it. It just fluttered its four wings, banging loudly into the dome covering of the bulb, casting an enormous shadow on the walls and floor. It took me a while to figure out what it was. It was so loud and the shadow was so big, but it finally settled on the rim of the dome, allowing me to see it. The light shone through its wings, refracting all the colors, making a prism in the dirty parking garage I spend most of my breaks. A random girl that had been watching me looking up at the ceiling came over to see what I was staring at, neck craned, arm outstretched with my hand blocking the sphere of light the bulb created. (This is the same girl that had said HELLO loudly to me, when I came outside to smoke. I smiled, as I lit my cigarette, to which she made some comment under her breath about me not answering her. I told her, once I had the cigarette out of my lips, that in my opinion a smile was an answer, and I couldn't talk while I was lighting my cigarette. To which, she went back to her trite conversation with some guy) I pointed to the huge dragon fly that had found itself inside a parking garage. As I was trying to appreciate it, find some kind of calmness through it, she starts blurting out "Its so big, oh my god, its huge" and moaning. Laughing and moaning, inferring some sexual connotation between her comment and the dragon fly. I was annoyed, appalled, and found myself wanting to scratch my initials in her eyelids with my finger nails.

So, I say again, the small talk annoys me, couldn't be bothered, and I definitely do not want to be subjected to that girl again.